Saturday, December 11, 2010

Holiday rant

Once again, the Politically Correct scream and howl about the lack of "Diversity" in the End-of-Year holiday season. As if it's not enough that there's Christmas for the Christians; Hanukkah (or however you choose to spell it) for the Jews; Yule for the Druids, Pagans, and Wiccans; Kwanzaa for the Black Liberation Theologians; and Festivus, for the rest of us (well, at least the Seinfeld fans).

If I don't see at least one story each day during Advent (that's the 24 days before Christmas for all you non-Catholic and non-Episcopal types) that some group somewhere is complaining about one of the many traditions (Carols, Trees, Nativity Scenes (or Creche, if you prefer), Menorah, etc.), I wonder if the media, the ACLU, or the SPLC are asleep.

Gee, for the people that preach tolerance and acceptance as their sole (almost put soul, could I be more correct with that?) purpose in life, They are the most intolerant people I've ever seen.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Pragmatism at its finest

I read a lot of blogs, especially MilBlogs, and every once in a while something catches my eye that condenses a situation down and distills it into a most potent elixir of understanding.

From Free Range International comes this:

I wanted to talk about fighting and tactics; Dave wanted to talk about the value added chain and time horizons. ”The main problem we face here is that the poppy has a value added chain. A farmer is given the seed, he is given the fertilizer – poppy doesn’t take much water or care while growing – and at harvest time he is given guys who score the flowers and collect the dope. At the end of the season he is given a portion of the harvest to sell or barter. The dope is then moved, processed and smuggled out of the country. Poppy has a well established added value chain which provides employment for lots of people while making life easy for the farmer. It costs him little to grow and doesn’t take much work. We want to sell him seed and fertilizer for a crop which is difficult to grow and much more susceptible to failure due to bad weather, floods and insects. We want him to harvest it and want him to take it to market and sell it. There are no value added processes to employ other people. There is no cold storage, no food processing plants, no grain elevators, no good roads, and no teamsters to truck produce using economies of scale. What would you do if you were a farmer in southern Helmand?”

It's been this way since we went into The 'Stan, and here we are 9 years later, and nothing's changed. This is the same thing that we face here in the US with Mexican drug gangs. It's far more profitable for the cartels to buy everything for the farmer, and give him some of the profits. It's like leasing the land, and giving the farmer a bonus for doing next to nothing.

The profit motive MUST be taken out of the drug trade. Increasing penalties for possession and sales aren't working any more.

Fun with books

Working at a library, you begin to get immersed into the world of books and librarians, and you begin to see that you have either one of 2 types of librarians: The cold, bitter, emotionless ones who probably retreated into books to get away from their real lives; or the ones that are wild and crazy, and aren't afraid to show it.

The latter aspect is found in this blog: Remember, these are childrens' titles they're using...

Another is at Less of a library thing, but more of a book thing.

Sunday, August 01, 2010


If you are in this country without the proper documentation, if you entered the country at a location other than an authorized entry point, or if you have overstayed your visa; get the fuck out. You do not belong here. You are breaking the law.

Don't demand equal treatment. Don't demand anything, including a free ride home. The only thing you deserve is to be arrested, fined and deported. You're lucky if you don't get repatriated from 10000 feet at 250 knots.

If you're a criminal alien, whether you've committed the crimes in your home country, or here in the US, be lucky that we don't just dump your carcass in a ditch and charge your family for the bullet.

You want citizenship? Go back to your home country and apply for it. Don't disrespect the millions of people that have come here before you, following the rules.

Don't think that if you drop an anchor baby, you're going to stay. If I had it my way, you, and your little brat would both be deported, no matter his age. Because you're here illegally, there is no citizenship bestowed on your spawn, even if he was born on US soil. If a child born to an American on foreign soil doesn't get citizenship from that foreign country, then you shouldn't get it because your child was born here, either.

If I was elected President, I'd issue the following Executive Order:

A double-layer fence is to be built from the Pacific Ocean in California along the US-Mexico border to the Gulf of Mexico in Texas. The Army Corps of Engineers, the Navy Seabees, and the Air Force CE squadrons will all be tasked to complete this wall within 180 days. Once the fence along the Southern border is completed, the same fence shall be built along the northern border from the Pacific Ocean in Washington to Lake Superior in Minnesota, and from the St. Lawrence Seaway in New York to the Atlantic Ocean in Maine. This shall be completed within 18 months after the completion of the Southern Border Fence.

The specifications are to be as follows: Two 12' fences made of chain link fencing topped with 3 coils of razor ribbon, with not less than 3 coils of razor ribbon on the inside face spaced equally apart. This fence shall be supported by 25' long high-tensile steel pipe filled with concrete aggregate, spaced no more than 6' apart. The distance between the fences shall be no less than 25'. Between the fences shall be a concrete-lined trench with a depth no less than 12' and a width no less than 12'. The sides shall have an angle of no more than 30 degrees from vertical.

There shall be a vehicle access gate and ramp every mile on the US side only. Next to every vehicle access gate, there shall be an intercommunications system that shall be monitored by the nearest CBP/ICE communications center in case of emergencies. There shall be a video surveillance system installed to monitor this fence system, with a motion-activated alarm. This motion activation shall be calibrated to a human-sized target, in order to prevent false activation from non-human targets.

All illegal aliens shall have a 90-day grace period to leave the country of their own accord. They will not be prevented from leaving by any law enforcement agent, unless they have committed additional crimes while in the US. They may present themselves at any port of entry for priority processing if they choose to become a US citizen in the future. Any US non-minor citizen that would like to give up their citizenship and leave the US for another country will be given a $50,000 grant to assist with their exit.

After this 90-day race period, any illegal alien found within the United States shall be declared an outlaw, and shall not be afforded any protections of the laws of the United States or any of the several States or the jurisdictions therein. Any US Citizen apprehending an illegal alien shall be given a $10000 reward upon the conviction and deportation of said illegal alien. Any illegal aliens that are found to have committed crimes in the United States are to be sentenced to a minimum of 20 years of hard labor in a Federal Penitentiary in addition to any penalty for the crimes they have committed. Any illegal alien deported after the 90-day period shall not be allowed entry for 10 years from the date of deportation if the alien has committed a crime other than unlawful entry or unlawful presence. If the illegal alien has committed any other crimes, then he shall not be allowed entry into the US for a period no less than 20 years.

Any person, group, entity, or governmental jurisdiction found to be aiding, abetting, providing material support to, harboring, or otherwise providing assistance to illegal aliens, other than assisting the illegal aliens in their self-removal shall be fined no less than $10000 per occurrence. Any government agency found in violation of the above law shall lose all funding from the Federal Government, and shall be ineligible from receiving any funding from the Federal Government for a period of 5 years from the date of adjudication.

Any aliens admitted after the 90-day period must prove that they are self-sufficient, and have total assets of greater than 100 times the annual gross minimum wage income, or cash or cash equivalent of 20 times the gross annual minimum wage; or have a sponsor that meets those requirements. The admitted alien must prove that he is of good moral and physical character. The admitted alien and his directly related family shall not be eligible for any public assistance programs for a period of 10 years from the date of admission. The admitted alien shall not participate in any action against any level of government. The admitted alien shall not become a member of any organized labor union unless that membership is a specific requirement for employment.
If an admitted alien commits a crime during the first 10 years after admission, then he shall be immediately deported after serving his sentence, and shall not be allowed admission again.

Any alien found to have reentered the US during the prohibited period after deportation shall be imprisoned in a federal penitentiary for the remainder of the prohibited period. The alien shall be required to work for the prison industry during this time. Any refusal to work shall add to the imprisonment on a day-for-day basis. At the end of this imprisonment, the alien shall be deported and shall be prohibited from entry for an additional 10 years from the date of deportation.

Pretty damned simple, isn't it? Don't you wish that all laws could be written that simply?

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Simple stuff

As a support geek, I'm sure that I've asked the same questions over and over.
  • Did you exit the program, start it back up and log back in to it?
  • Did you log off your profile, log back in and restart the program?
  • Did you reboot?
  • Is the $hardware plugged into power, turned on, and is the network activity light blinking?
If you haven't done or checked the above things and you're calling, we're going to have you do the above and call us back if it doesn't work. I know it's stupid to have to say the same things over and over, but sometimes, the users forget. We don't have flip charts. We've just encountered the same issues over and over that we know what the problem is, and we'll either walk you through the solution, or we'll remote in to your machine and fix it ourselves. That might include logging you off and logging into the Admin profile, or it might be that we want you to stay logged in, because it's something with your profile. We'll do the best we can with what we've got.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Another fsck up by the high dollar guys. (language warning)

This is the 3rd time in a month that the lead or the #2 have fucked something up that I've had to fix.

The first time was when the NSE was installing a full set of new LAN and WAN hardware. A new router and 2 switches, and about 75% was working right when I got there. I had to repatch ports, and re-IP 4 computers because the VLANs were all fucked up on the switches. Plus, the ITA (the lead) couldn't see one of the switches through the management program, so he couldn't do anything on it.

The second time was when the NSE went back to fix the port assignments, and didn't reverse what I had done, even though I told him exactly what I had done.

This time, the ITA and one of the other ITSTs came in early to do the "printer shuffle". They moved 4 printers around, and about 6 hours after they got them installed, they failed. Well, the printers themselves didn't fail, but all the computers pointed at them failed to print to them. First it was the public printers on the print server. The fucking HP_DIU ports that get installed when you install an HP network printer decided to take a total shit. It's not as if they didn't know it was going to happen, because it's done it before.

It's not just one printer, though. There's 2 different physical printers attached to the server between the 2 different computer areas on the 2 different floors. There's 4 different release stations, and B&W and Color sets for each release station/printer combination, making for a total of 14 different virtual printers. Yes, I know the numbers don't add up, but that's because one release station doesn't release for 1 physical printer. So that was 20 minutes wasted.

But wait, there's more. About 2 hours later the printers in the business office died. First it was the printer in the accounting pool, then it was the admin printer. After rebooting the accounting printer, they were able to print again. The reboot trick didn't work on the admin printer, so I just repointed the clients to the regular IP_ port from the HP_DIU port, and they worked.

I wish that the HP_DIU ports weren't such a complete pain in the ass. None of them ever work right, and some of the install packs put more crap on the computer than it's worth.

Of course it doesn't help the way all the networks are structured. We have to either VPN or run a Terminal Services session to access the various PeopleSoft servers on the County network because we're on a completely separate network from the rest of the county. The only things connecting our network and their network is a Gig fiber link between 2 routers with a TS server on the other end.

The big rub comes in when people want their pay stubs. The county told the Library that it would cost roughly $1 per paystub per week to have them mailed out. The Library told the county to pound sand, and we were forced to go on E-Stubs which we have to print out ourselves. There are 50 different network attached printers (and at least that many more that are directly attached to computers and shared) of at least 10 different models. We have to install at least 1 set of drivers for each of the printers on the TS server, and we have to install the specific drivers for each one of the printers on the appropriate clients. We can't use the "Universal Driver" that makes it incredibly easy to install printers.

The really wacky thing is that if the staff doesn't remember that they have to select a printer, and they just hit the print button; it prints out down the street and around the corner at Adult Probation.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Chocolate Sabbat

For all you pagans out there, you'll get it. (Especially you, Gothweasel! I miss you!)

Materials required:

On the altar are

  • brown candles,
  • a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame),
  • a large glass with milk in it (the chalice),
  • a small dish of Hershey's Syrup and a spoon,
  • a small dish of chocolate sprinkles,
  • a plate of cupcakes,
  • some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet,
  • and small dish of chocolate ice cream.

The Celebrants

  • Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss)
  • High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker)
  • Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy)
  • High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar)

Cleanse the Sacred Space

Pillsbury Dough Boy take the small dish of chocolate sprinkles

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no harm adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hershey's Syrup, spoon and large
glass with milk

Hershey's Syrup where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come unto me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

Cast The Circle

Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle
three times

Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation

In the beginning,
there was the word.
And the word was Chocolate.
And it was good.
Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal.

Call the Quarters

Betty Crocker
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great princess of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers
approaching from the East.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets
approaching from the South.

Swiss Miss
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob
approaching from the West.

Mr. Goodbar
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap
imitations approaching from the North.


Pillsbury Dough Boy
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called:
Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee,
and by many other names:

Swiss Miss
Whenever you have one of those cravings,
once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
then shall you assemble in a great public place
and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,
who is Queen of all Goodies.

In the mall shall you assemble,
you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more.
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression.
And as a sign that you are truly free,
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in
my presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine,
and mine is also the joy on earth,
yea, even into high orbit
for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
Keep clean your fingers,
carry Wet Ones always,
let none keep you from Me.

For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth,
and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips
and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy
onto the tummies of women and men.

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious,
and beyond death
well, I can't do much there.
Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice,
for behold,
chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles
before you eat them.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess,
she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations,
whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:

Betty Crocker
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips,
and the satisfying softness of big bars,
the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,
and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire,
call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me.

For I am the soul of candy,
from Me do all confections spring,
and unto Me all of you shall return,
again.... and again... and again.... and again.

Before My smeared face,
beloved of women and men,
thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of
Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess,
crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces,
peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you.

And you who think to seek Me,
know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not
unless you know the Mystery:
"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it"

For behold:
I have been with you since you were just a baby,
and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed be.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called:
Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Muskateers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars,
Wonka and by many other names:

Mr. Goodbar
I am the strength of the candy rack,
and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have
too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate.

No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate,
I will hunt you out,
and I will become your sacred prey.

I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter,
and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive
Godiva store downtown.

I give you My creatures,
the fire of love of chocolate,
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way
and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.

You are dear to Me,
and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun,
I charge you,
by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot
and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you,
and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I
charge you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you.
The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa,
and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.

Yet you must be wary of deceit.
Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate,"
for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always,
just over your shoulder,
or around the next corner.

I am the Lord of Chocolate,
and when you have reached the end of you hoard,
I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the

I am the spirit of the wild child,
the inner child who can never get quite enough.
If you are a true chocolate lover,
then your soul and mine are intertwined.

Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo

Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo

Mr. Goodbar
Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate

Betty Crocker
Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate

Pillsbury Dough Boy
For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"

Swiss Miss
And neither one is carob

Mr. Goodbar
As the frosting is to the cupcake

Betty Crocker
So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar

Pillsbury Dough Boy
And when they are eaten,
they are yummy in truth,

Swiss Miss
for there is no greater snack in all the world
than one made of chocolate.

Blessing of the cupcakes

Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy
Frosting is keen

Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
And frosting is neat

Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
Great Goddess! Let's eat!

Feasting and Drinking

Dismiss Quarters

Betty Crocker
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants

Swiss Miss
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants

Mr. Goodbar
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants

Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final
satisfying belch at the east

Open Circle

Pillsbury Dough Boy

Go now in perfect love,
perfect trust,
and perfect chocolate

The Information Superhighway

Here's something I got (appropriately) over the net from someone, who got it from someone, who in turn got it from somebody else. I have no idea who originally wrote it.

"Think of the Internet as a highway."

There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.

Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net. . .

A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant- vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.


Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system.

Some classic Tech Support problems.

To this day, some of them show up, either in one form or another.

1. "My hard disk won't boot." I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk still inside).

2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any DOS programs." Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer. When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback was heard by the dog.

3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape backup. Can you help me restore the system." No problem. When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved in the tape and it sucked up the data."

4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?" I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve, and others. I tell him he's already on the highway. "Is that all there is?" I hangup.

5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?" Answer: FedEx.

6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables? Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward. I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The 2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.

7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black with a little red light ... (groan).

8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?"

9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves an inch or so on the screen and stops." Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.

10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?"
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"

11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS, Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?"

12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0 for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost to upgrade my machine?"

13. "My floppy drive won't read disks." I suggest they clean out the dust from the drive. "I can't." Huh? "The dust won't move". I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that all the dust was glued in place.

14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately sprays everything with dust.

15. "My printer stopped working." Turn it upside down and shake out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.

16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?" I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.

17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me."

18. From one of my smarter clients: "Why is something broken every time you're here?"

19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to take out ALL the jumpers." How many did you take out? "12". (What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).

20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the same information. The customer service person transfers me to the the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc... Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional literature with exactly the same name and address.

21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support: "What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"

22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service), now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?

23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

24. Fax back information service for additional information from one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.

25. Email autoreply from
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)

26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
"I can't answer that, please call your dealer."
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"
"AAAAAGH!" <click>

27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer to steal money from the payphone.

28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.

29. "My hard disk has a virus!" How can you tell, I ask? "When I type DIR, it says VIRUS <DIR> and some date stuff." (Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).

30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).

31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the high pressure.

32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.

33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use a vacuum to clean your computer.

34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof plugs hot stampled with "Protected." I gave instructions to install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three years later, they are still appearing.

35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in black pattens, gears, and rollers.

36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers, light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds to the entertainment value.

37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device driver library for every conceivable board ever made?

38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: "The drive stopped working. I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside. I added some oil but it didn't help."

39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.

40. Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:" This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and a defective AT/IO card.

41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an antique computer desk?" He looks at me with a strange look and says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made."

42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes. He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.

43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"

44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of the cash drawer and let it bounce.

45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short. A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat sink severely degrade its cooling value.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

If you don't get it, Google is your friend.

(found on the internet)

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Movie title mashups

One time on Saturday Night Live, Dennis Miller made mention of a "new movie" coming out called "Crocodile Gandhi." In a similar vein, Not Necessarily The News (on HBO) once had a teaser for "Superman III, Psycho II." My friends and I here at UNC have come up with some "sequels" of our own, titles that combine the titles of already existing movies. See what you think, and please email us if you come up with some yourself! The list is always growing...

Dirty Dances With Wolves
What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
Pee-Wee's Big Adventures In Babysitting
Marathon Rain Man
When Dirty Harry Met Sally...
Nightmare On Wall Street
Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
License To Kill A Mockingbird
The Year Of Johnny Dangerously
Young Naked Guns
The Elephant Man With Two Brains
Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
Three Men And Rosemary's Baby
Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
2001 Dalmatians
Smokey And The Time Bandits
The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
Terminators Of Endearment

...and our favorite...

Godzilla Must Be Crazy!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Billable Hours

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Bum, or not a bum?

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bar jokes, if your word processor turned into a food processor.

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string notices a horse with a sign that says, "Make me laugh, make me cry, win $1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.

The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular, "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps down the rest of his martini and says, "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!"

At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and says, "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!"

There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, "And now his brother's a dead ringer, too!"

The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he asks.

Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears.

A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mysteriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing him instantly.

Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my brother!"

(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.)

An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax problem?" the solicitous bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies the red man.

The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the grafitti reads:

>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.

>>I have a haddock.

>Cod, I hate this.

The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.

A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, "57!" The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the floor beside him.

A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door...

For all my literary readers

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Completely generic jokes

(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

In honor of DADT...

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

(From the rec.humor.funny archives)

Friday, March 05, 2010

A quick analysis of the Pentagon Shooter

All the pundits are yakking about this nut, but here's some facts:

Registered Democrat (HT via Michelle Malkin)
Represented by Sam Farr (total Left-wing nutjob) in the House
The Congressional District voted 72.1% for Obummer
Through Gerrymandering is represented in the State Assembly by Jeff Denham, who gets most of his support from Valley farmers, and also happens to be my State Senator (also because of that same Gerrymandering)
His Assembly representative is a total Left-wing nutjob named Anna Caballero, who cares little for the white population of her district, and wants full amnesty for illegal aliens.

Don't let the MSM lie to you. This guy was a completely whacked-out product of our left-wing educational system.